Tips for Interfaith Holiday Celebrations

Holiday get-togethers in my family are an eclectic mix of traditions. I am a pagan. My spouse is also pagan, but we follow different traditions and celebrate different holidays. My family is culturally Christian (although mostly non-practicing) and celebrates Christian holidays. My brother-in-law is Jewish, and he and my sister are raising their kids with both Jewish and Christian holidays. Even with just my immediate family, there's a lot of traditions and beliefs to juggle!

It's important to me that everyone feels included and affirmed at my holiday parties. I want everyone to be able to eat the food, enjoy the decorations, and feel comfortable. I never want anyone to feel like they're having someone else's beliefs or traditions forced on them.

Since we're coming up on the Big Winter Holiday Season, I wanted to share some of the things I've learned about planning interfath holiday celebrations. Here are my best tips:

1. Think about who is in the room. You aren't planning a party for the whole world -- you're planning a party for your friends and family. Instead of trying to be inclusive of all the holidays celebrated at this time of year, focus on the ones that are celebrated by your guests. For example, while Bodhi Day (a Buddhist holiday) does take place in December, I don't personally have any close friends or family who celebrate it. It wouldn't make sense to include a statue of the Buddha in my holiday decorations. Instead, I should focus on the holidays my loved ones celebrate this time of year: Yule, Saturnalia, Christmas, and Hannukah.

While this may seem like common sense, I encountered this issue a lot when I worked in social services. I had very well-meaning bosses who tried to be broadly inclusive of as many different traditions as possible, when it would have been more meaningful (not to mention less tone-deaf) to focus on actually connecting with the individual people we served.

2. Remember that no religion or culture is a monolith. Within every religion, there is a lot of diversity, and this diversity shows up in holiday traditions. For example, my family is Catholic and belongs to a mostly Latine church community, while my husband's family is all white, USAmerican evangelicals. Even though both our families are Christian and celebrate Christmas, they have very different traditions and beliefs around this holiday. The way we celebrate with my family is very different from the way we celebrate with my in-laws.

Likewise, not all Jewish people celebrate Hannukah the same way, not all pagans celebrate the winter solstice the same way, etc. This is why it's so important to know who is in the room and how they choose to celebrate. Don't assume that you know what to do just because you've had other Jewish/pagan/etc. friends who celebrated a certain way or because you read about different celebrations online.

3. Ask your loved ones which of their traditions they would like to see included. Different people value different traditions. For example, decorating for the holidays is really important to my mom, but less important to me and my Jewish relatives. Because of this, decorations at our family holiday gatherings tend to be more Christmas-y, and we're okay with that. Communicating with your guests and finding out what's actually impotant to them is an important part of interfaith celebrations.

This means we also need to be respectful when it's important that something NOT be included. As a pagan, I'm fine with Christmas trees and holly wreaths, but I'm a lot less comfortable with explicitly religious decorations like nativity scenes. I want to support my Christian loved ones, but I am not comfotalbe attending church with them or letting them read Bible verses during our family gatherings. Whatever your loved ones' boundaries are, it's important to know about them and respect them.

4. Be respectful and don't appropriate. Appropriation is what happens when cultural or religious practices are taken outside of their original context and made into a commodity, especially if the practices are taken from an oppressed culture by members of a dominant culture. When practices are appropriated, they are often watered down or changed to make them more marketable, and they tend to lose their religious or cultural significance. When planning interfaith gatherings, it's important that we never cross the line into appropriation.

Here's an example: My non-Jewish family members usually include some Hannukah symbols in our holiday decorations as a show of solidarity with our Jewish family. This is totally appropriate. It would NOT be appropriate for one of us to light a menorah and recite the blessings, because we are not Jewish. At that point, we would be appropriating Jewish religious rituals.

When in doubt, ask your loved ones what holiday traditions are and are not okay to share.

5. Ask about religious diets and plan your menu accodingly. I take religious dietary restrictions as seriously as I take food allergies. It's important to me that any food I serve at a family gathering can be enjoyed by everyone.

This is another area where it's impotant to remember that culture isn't a monolith. Not everyone who keeps a religious diet will interpret that diet the same way.

For example, my Jewish family members keep a "Kosher-ish" diet, which means they do follow basic Kosher guidelines like not eating pork and not mixing meat and dairy, but they don't need their meat to come from a certified Kosher butcher. Other Jewish people may be more or less strict with their Kosher diet. This is why it's important to talk to your guests about what they need.

6. Be mindful of the little things. This is where we get to talk about microaggressions. According to Merriam-Webster, a microaggression is "a comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group." This includes actions that unintentionally exclude someone or make them feel like their beliefs and traditions are an afterthought.

Here's an example that also happens to be one of my personal pet peeves: giving someone who doesn't celebrate Christmas a gift wrapped in paper that has "Merry Christmas" written all over it. This sends the message that while you might be tolerating their Yule/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/etc. traditions, Christmas is the only holiday that actually matters to you. It's very disrespectful, but it doesn't even occur to most Christians that this might send a message of intolerance. (My solution to this particular problem is to give everyone wrapping paper that features generic winter imagery.)

This is a time to check your privilege and to think about how your actions might be interpreted by someone from a different background, especially if you are part of the dominant cultural group (i.e., white Christians). If someone does tell you that your actions are disrespectful, acknowledge the harm, apologize, and commit to doing better in the future.

I hope some of this is helpful as you plan your own interfaith holiday gatherings. No matter what you're celebrating or who you're celebrating with, I hope you all have a joyful winter season.